I’m scared that I’m scared.
Lately, for a reason I cannot consciously grasp, I’ve been experiencing this fear; some form of anxiety and apprehension. It doesn’t feel like intuition or instinct or anything deep and true, but it’s been so persistent it’s been bothering me like crazy. I can’t say it out loud, I can’t even write it down so it’s in physical form somewhere… But I’ve been so scared of losing someone right now. For the first time since Josh, I’m scared of death. No one has anything “wrong” or “bad” right now that would lead to death, but I’m scared of the abrupt kind. The kind that just sniffs out a valued existence and leaves sorrow and grieving. I don’t think it’s because I’ve been watching movies more often during the break. I don’t think it’s because of anything really concrete. I don’t have a reason to feel this way, but I know something else: I’m at a point during these holidays where I treasure every single person, every single living being, every single moment so much, that I’m so terrified to lose any bit of it, any one of them. It’s been haunting me; it wakes me up in the morning so that I can’t sleep in but be awake in case I receive a phone call, from someone. I believe in laws of attraction and I am in no way about to turn my fear into reality… But I don’t know what to do. I’m still in this mental-emotional unrest. I want to be with the ones I love, all the time; and at the same time, I want to be back in my own apartment in downtown New Westminster. It’s just occurred to me that it’s a possibility this is my self-guilt bubbling up from somewhere in the back of my mind. Nothing is forever. Dear god, how cliche yet depressing is that? Jesus Christ. Ugh. Gross…- but really: everything is so bloody fleeting. (Like this winter holiday.)
It’s impossible to spend equal time, all the time, with everyone and everything. That’s something that I’ve really noticed this past half a year. It creates such unrest in me that I can’t do everything- that it’s physically impossible for me to accomplish everything that I want. There are people I miss and haven’t seen in a long time- our schedules didn’t match up, it’s not like I/ we didn’t try- and it stresses me out. I have the desire to maintain contact with people I’m in relationships with. I’m so discerned about feeling as if my life consists of rooms that I must choose to inhabit. The trade-offs are too great, and maybe I’m being childish, but I don’t want to accept it/ them. I want everyone; I want everything. But I’m forced to allocate my time, and prioritize, and be responsible, and be patient. It’s not enough.
Sometimes, like now when I’m still up at 2 a.m. even though I’m absolutely drained, I hate The Awareness. It feels like a curse sometimes. It complicates my daily life. And my mindset is always so goddamn focused on it. I wish keeping it shallow helped. But that’s not who I am. I have a lot of acceptance to… accept… before the start of the new year. I should do something to start that starting tomorrow/ this morning when I wake up. Less fear, more life. If everything comes and goes, I should be active to keep up. Moment to moment, in and out, coming and going, and heart to heart.