R. R x r x r: Reflexive retrospect. I’ve been experiencing another phase of growth. However, this phase is not euphoric or freeing like the previous from early this year. I’ve been feeling negative emotions lately and have not been appreciative of my foul moods. It’s been more than difficult, reigning the stress levels. Driving is mentally and physically tiring for me; I’ve been losing lots of time and therefore stressing more every day, about 5 times a week. What I really feel terrible about is the fact that I can’t make the best of it. This is my learning curve. It’s been a month but I’ve been suffocating. There’s something about some places and my weakness of not being able to stay unaffected. Daddy’s right: it is about perspective, but I’m sensitive to my environments. This post is terribly organized. Not that my streams of consciousness really are in the first place. I guess I need to fully realize and accept the fact that I am not the only one whose patience is tested on a day-to-day basis. Dad says, “Welcome to adulthood. Doesn’t it suck?” Yeah. It can quite a bit. My trick to learn is not letting it suck either way. I’m aware that I take life too seriously sometimes and I know I justify it by saying it’s because I care. This is true, but it’s clearly not enough. I’m just such a perfectionist who’s To Do list needs to cease to exist the way it does. For example, I’ve been meaning to tumblr my Personal Lookbook entries from way back in June. I need to just get it done soon. Each thing I don’t finish feels like a weight on my head. But I am just fine. Aren’t I? I am. If I don’t have enough time for everything, I should just accept it. I don’t control time. Right? It’s occurred to me that my many perspectives are what drive me basically insane. I think at this point I’ve realized the key to keeping things simple, is to focus on the minimal number of perspectives. Or to just keep one. Right? Possible epiphany. I think that’s it. I worry about all the perspectives but don’t even need them all the time, nevertheless at the same time. Fuckaduck. Hell, it doesn’t really even matter that I feel like giving up, calling it quits, right? Right. Because if I’m still here thinking that, I’m not. I’m such an emotional person. I want to cry. I need to hit the gym.
I can’t help but think how retardedly crazy I must seem to anyone who reads this and doesn’t know me very well. I don’t really care. No shame for my honesty.
Mantra: it’s all good, it’s alright, it’s OK. I have so many. (mantras)
Summer is here, finally. I’m surviving- that’s what matters, right? But actually, I’m doing fine. Or is that what I tell myself? Haaa.
School is basically ruling my daily and weekly life at the moment; there is slim to no time for my social life/ personal relationships. The lack is translated into imbalance for my hour-to-hour moods. Again, I’m just reeling, defeated, from the concept of little time and lots to do. I got sick this week from sort of being a party animal on the weekend when I went to the island to visit best friends there. I’m super glad I went; I enjoyed every second of it; I want to go back soon and will at least a couple more times this summer; and I survived a mild sore throat infection from a total of 8 hours sleep for 2 nights. Booya. I felt young, it was refreshing. And seeing my loves really kept me sane. I know that I shouldn’t let school control my life, nor should it stress me out, but in order to do everything and excel in it, I have to direct much attention and time. I’m sitting here wondering if this is worth it. I feel like I’m winning; this is for the best, for the bigger picture, but I’m losing; I don’t feel like I feel as good as I could, there are things I want to do but am not/ have not, and I wish I would stop taking life so goddamn seriously. Like daddy always says, “there will always be things you don’t want to do.” Welcome to the Adult Life. So many should’s that appease and so many could’s that I trade off. Additionally, the commute to school has been abso-fucking-lutely terrible. There is construction both locally and on the highways so I’ve been misjudging my timing and it’s been flustering. My patience also runs short with my fatigue and overall-yucky-illness syndromes. No. Fun. All in all, I suppose the larger picture of my current conditions are well, the larger picture. Ideally all these things I’m not learning yet pulling out of my ass, will get me a nice crisp piece of paper that’s printed on and signed that deems me somewhat successful and professional. Can anyone tell how bitter I am atm? Shit fuck, I’m cranky, too. My real upset is just that I feel incredibly unsettled and grounded. I am not enjoying the business and even though I’m pouring in time and energy, I’m not satisfied. I’m super jaded and I’m being a little girl by just want to whine and bitch and cry about it. HOW annoying! However, I do express my extreme disagreement at my losses: leisure time, hours of sleep, art, socializing, passions, and hobbies. No pain, no gain though, right?
Yet again: BUT. “No pain is forever, yup, you know this.” Yup, Miss R. I do.
The 2-0 is coming up in approximately 18 days. Wowzas. Another year, another birthday. I’ll work now and celebrate big in a bit.
My sanity curbs in waves. It’s coo’. I’m OK, really. Overwell I’m well and I’m healthy and safe and my loved ones are there for me. I cannot lose sight of the real values. And if I didn’t have the bad, I’d never value or recognize the good. This is just a change in my life pace, my life rhythm. I don’t need to look for it to slow down, I just need to accept the new timing of things and proportions. I will not be a stupid, baby girl.