Learning can be defined as the process that allows you to do something with greater ease, with greater speed, with greater strength, with greater comfort. I’ve been learning how to be myself since I was 13. Right here, right now, I’ve learned how to be without you and I’ve learned how to be alone. It feels so good. (Needless to say, it’s easier to stay strong and alone when I’m so lucky, so grateful, to be surrounded by those that are.)
I was recently employed for my first co-op placement within my undergraduate degree (just last Friday, actually) and just finished my first day of work a couple hours ago. Not only am I pleased to have obtained a placement, but I was dumbstruck at the absolute resolve that I came across. Yet again: everything happens for a reason. Good things fall apart so that better things can fall into place: it’s true. I’m working for an organization that’s 18 years in the running to unify, appreciate, promote and expose visual art created by youth in various media. My positions entails restoring/ archiving images of said works for the organization’s website due to launch at the end of this summer. Along with a team of 4 other faculty colleagues, we will reiterate the front-end of the website for this launch as well. I’m so pleased to be exposed to visual art and to be able to help young artists digitally enhance their work; afterall, I remember what it was like to be a visual artist in high school and wish that there were more awards and recognition for me. It turns out there are hundreds. Being personally invested in this project, I was thrilled to find out today that I’m working with a great team of people and my employer is by far, more than just competent at heading this project. I’m really looking forward to redesigning this website to redesign the way that professionals, corporate, and the general public view art. The proficiency and skill blows me away and is very intriguing. Not only will more awards, sponsorships, competitions, and grants be made possible, but young talent and skill will be able to connect and be exposed to other young talent and skill. Freaking great: this is exactly what I wanted to with design and my production skills. I am part of a legacy, and I will be making a difference. I’m so excited. On top of commencing my summer semester placement, I’ve decided that I will be applying for out-of-province co-op opportunities for the fall as well. Maybe I can go down to San Fransisco, or I’ll finally check out Toronto, or maybe I’ll get to go to Montreal- I really miss french and I’d be near a couple of my best friends who I miss so much. The openness of possibilities is so delicious right now.
I know what I want, and I’m slowly getting it. I want everything. I’m doing this.
Not possible, not the most rewarding, without pain. I have this philosophy and trust in my physical regime, in my emotional and mental growth, and in my academic and professional life. What does it mean? Not that life is just painful and that it is inevitable to hurt, or that growth can’t happen without some sort of harm. No pain, no gain, just solidifies that the struggle is good- that it will be OK. The push and pull and discomfort shape a person to be better, stronger, and hopefully wiser. Is it weird I strive for that pain on a daily schedule? I’ve always been actively changing parts of myself since I was 14 to be the person who I wanted to be and to enjoy the person that I am. I wouldn’t change a thing.
I think that’s why I’m happier by the day, week, month, and years that pass by. I’ve been so satisfied in self-love and being content that it’s been sufficient. I’ve been trying, and will keep trying, all my life since I had my own consciousness to be self-sufficient. I have to do it.
At this point, the past 2 weeks has shown me how strong I really am- and how capable I am to break, to love, and to move. There’s no satisfaction like this. At this point, I look at the people who I’ve surrounded myself with and been blessed to find, and that alone makes me happy. Genuinely, warm and comfortable, happy. I’ve always said that everything happens for a reason, and that good things fall apart so better things can fall into place. I know that some people view that as being optimistic or trying to rationalize things. It is, to a point. For the most part though, at least in my life, it’s been proven that I’ve always found that things work out for the better. The pain of disappointment is rewarded by other opportunities and the disappointment of not getting what I want is countered by achievements as a pleasant surprise elsewhere. I am in control of myself and accountable for that alone; I’ve truly realized there is no reason to stay sad or upset. Life is far too beautiful. Side note: laughter is truly the best medicine.
Sitting here listening to my rumbling washing machine and watching New Westminster clouds try to hide the sun made me lose my train of thought a bit.
The point is, I’m expressing how happy I am. I am going in the direction I want and have dreamed of, and I’m living in the moments I will cherish forever. And that is enough. I am enough.
It was the best choice to only enroll in 2 courses for the summer semester. Vancouver’s dismal and dark rain spell has finally passed and the temperature has significantly increased along with the bodies bustling about outside.
I feel like I’m struggling. I can’ tell if it’s because I’m trying too hard. I’ve been spending a lot of time with people, more than I used to before/ usually do. It’s been necessary post-separation as well as post-chaotic-spring-semester and post-vacation. It’s been so pleasant and heart-warming to catch up with people I love and get to know those that I don’t very well. However, today I’m panicking about whether or not it’s a good thing I am spending so much time on people. (Wow, that totally makes me sound like a hermit and/ or human hater. This is not true.) Needless to say, I started coding this afternoon and somehow an hour has passed but I have not done nearly as much as I want; not a big deal, or at least it shouldn’t be: it’s just my online portfolio that I’m changing the visual aesthetics of. Oh well. The point is that I am taking it reeaal slow working on “work”. I suppose I am entitled to a break and change of pace though. Right? God, I’m such a workaholic perfectionist. I’m antsy that I’m not particularly efficient right now. But I’m aware and I’m even more antsy.
I suppose I need to go with the flow, with a little less resistance. I’m doing well enough, flowing along socially, so I can let up in design, right? I suppose because it’s such a quickly-evolving industry and concept that I’m scared to lose my footing. I really shouldn’t look at it like that.
Inhale, exhale, not just the exhale sigh.
It’s 4:20 PM on a beautiful day, I need to chill the fuck out.
Sometimes I wonder what it’d be like if I had a substance for this anxiety, like those smokers or drinkers. Oh well.
Occurs in steps and sometimes those steps are small on shards of broken glass; sometimes they’re huge milestones over a deep, dark lake.
I’m at some sort of peace- the kind you experience when something long overdue… happens. Actually and maybe finally. The peace is a soft and warm comfort that contrasts to cold paths that tears form and the ache in the back of your eyes from crying too much, too hard.
Life is about progression in all shapes and forms: growth, manipulation, evolution, change, discovery, learning, achieving. When it happens though, there are times like these when it’s so violent, the fear of an unknown alternate way could be crippling. Anxiety forms because familiarity suddenly no longer exists, the future is not as solid as it could have been, and you feel so far away from someone you couldn’t possible get closer to without being them.
This situation is not about pride or miscommunication or the death of love. Interestingly enough, this situation is about the true expansion of love- the most important kind. Love for the self nourishes the individuals that connect to form friends, communities, cities, nations and universes. Love for the self has always been something that is necessary to accompany the capacity to love another. Like I told you, “People learn from comparison. If you don’t know who you are, you can’t relate to someone else. And if you can’t relate to someone else, you’ll never understand them.” and hell, everyone strives to understand. And that’s why you don’t understand me.
This is our progression apart together. I’ve been progressing for a long time, by myself, but now I’m helping you take off the training wheels you didn’t want to see. Everything is going to be alright, if not magnificent.
Some things happen for the best, and everything has a reason for being. So with that, we no longer stand in the same place, because we just took a step forward. And we are by ourselves, and it couldn’t be more beautiful. I cried for you today, but I cried the most for myself and because of you. And now the fear and sadness is gone out of me and I’m just an emotionally drained body that’s excited to sleep in my duvet covers.
It’s interesting that this whole time I was trying to persuade you to see that you induce your own suffering while I realized what I was letting myself do with you. So we can mark this as a place moved past, where it’s over: I won’t be in the same place any longer, but I’ll still be here.
I’m not going to think of the past for a while, because it hurts like hell. I probably won’t think of you in general, too closely, for a while, because it hurts like hell. I know I still have lots of crying to do, and it won’t be useless, contrary to belief. I will grieve and I will wonder why I myself didn’t do anything differently. But I will not wish I did.
The heart is full of muscle and through pain, I’ll gain a stronger and bigger one.
It’s Mother’s Day and in my house, it won’t be a very different Sunday than usual.
Happy Mother’s Day, mom. There’s still a part of me that feels guilty there isn’t anything material I can give you; you’re so ridiculous for being so simple and loving.
My mother isn’t materialistic; she doesn’t wear jewelry; she never seems to need new clothes; and she never wants to do anything special on days like these. These are only a few of the things I love her for. She’s impacted my growth and still influences my life in the best of ways and I become more and more grateful every day for who she is and who she is to me.
I thank you at least twice a year, Mom, your birthday and today, for everything. Not only is my existence possible because of you, but I was blessed to grow up with you and be exposed to your beauty (in and out) and your wisdom and point of view. It wasn’t easy, getting to this point; we had rough rides when I was a teenager, but I’m so thankful I trusted you and look at us now. Thank you for being my mother, and thank you for being my friend. You are always there and I can tell you anything.
You are the strongest woman I will ever know or meet. You manage our family’s businesses, you parent 2 daughters, you parent 2 daughters without your husband while he’s in business, you take care of a precious but neurotic Bichon Frise, you are strong for your family while your own family members are continents away, you find friends when your best are a country away, you spend time in a big empty house, you are always there for me when I need to complain or confide in you. You literally do everything and anything. I am so lucky.
Thank you. I could say it every day of my life but it still wouldn’t be enough. I hope you know how much you are appreciated in this family- especially when it isn’t always evident or when people’s moods are stinky (like dad, or Fran, and sometimes me).
I am always here for you too, but I think you know that.
I love you, momma-bear. You’re the best, the one and only.
The physical attribute that could describe the feeling of shock one experiences upon learning about the truth, and learning about the lies. I’ve been having jarring dreams lately that aren’t lucid like usual nor are they very vivid; tonight’s 2, 3 hours felt like a bad dream.
Forgiveness is absolutely profound. The concept is associated with nobility, maturity and integrity. However, forgiveness is truly some form of strange mystical phenomena. They say to forgive and forget; people who are forgiven benefit from the letting go, the support, the acceptance. Forgiveness is a phenomena when the person doing the forgiving performs in split seconds without hesitation. Even stranger is the undying love that fuels a swift forgiveness.
I never forget, that’s true. But there are always people, like family for instance, among many, who will always be unconditionally loved and effortlessly forgiven. In tonight’s situation, I am in shellshock. I’m dumbfounded, I’m numb- but not in a sad, mad, bad way- and I’m just at a loss. Most people snap and yell, demanding justification for how they could have ever been deceived by someone they trusted so much. Most people sob and withdraw, not wanting anything to do with someone who has broken trust and a heart. I did none of those things and I’m not quite sure if I’d ever be able to. At least not with someone so close.
I’ll wake up tomorrow when the emotion is less strong, and this won’t have been a bad dream. How significant that this is very much real. But I won’t be a hypocrite, because just like I said to you, it’s true,
in retrospect we don’t so much remember how a man falls, but how a man gets back up from one.
Nothing more immobilizing than fatigue and accumulation of over-stimulation. I’m currently sitting in bed lazily nibbling Craisins (ugh, my love for them is deep) and thinking about starting working on my freelance projects but, it is only thinking. There is a part of me that’s panicking, for some reason. But my logic and rational are for once, overriding that.
Tomorrow is Thursday and I believe it would be most healthy for me to not touch work for at least another couple of days and just enjoy people and time. Traveling so much in 2 weeks and doing so many activities and being in new places has me a little burnt out on the surface. Gladly, I am very refreshed deeper down. The mind has blossomed without academia or instruction and the naturalness has recharged my attitudes and perspectives. Good things. How reaffirming. And to continue good health- because that affects everything that involves action/ performance- I feel excited for summer with only 2 courses to be enrolled in. Thank some god I came to my senses.
This summer will be full of freelance, 2 courses, art, and design. Ugh, yes, yes, yes..!
I’m trying to physically relax. Even though I wanted to be back here so bad, there’s an anxiety that possesses me and I just can’t shake it now… Still learning… still learning. It’s probably the uncertainty that’s flitted through my mind briefly today about whether or not I committed myself to “too much”. But I know the answer and I want to do everything. I just need to start taking the first step and one after the other; it will get done, it always does and everything happens for a reason.
Speaking of reason, I was absent for 5 interviews from 5 different companies who were interested in whether or not I could be a co-op student. Fuck me. What a perfect time to be in California and Mexico, hey? I couldn’t help but snapshow this morning at 1AM when we crossed the border from Bellingham and I found 2 additional voicemails from prospective companies; 3 e-mails had been received earlier last week but no one’s replied or shown interest at meeting me after the scheduled interviews. I am still wondering along with co-op advisors about the company I had an interview with on the 15th of April. I guess I should just stop hoping….. except I can’t because even the office hasn’t! Life. Bright side: I clearly have skills that external companies and individuals deem useful.
Tonight’s sleep should be good. I’m tired enough from insufficient sleep last night to sleep a bit deeper.
Stagnant is not bad. Peace exists in nothing; peace exists in stillness. I have a lot to learn.