Learning can be defined as the process that allows you to do something with greater ease, with greater speed, with greater strength, with greater comfort. I’ve been learning how to be myself since I was 13. Right here, right now, I’ve learned how to be without you and I’ve learned how to be alone. It feels so good. (Needless to say, it’s easier to stay strong and alone when I’m so lucky, so grateful, to be surrounded by those that are.)
I was recently employed for my first co-op placement within my undergraduate degree (just last Friday, actually) and just finished my first day of work a couple hours ago. Not only am I pleased to have obtained a placement, but I was dumbstruck at the absolute resolve that I came across. Yet again: everything happens for a reason. Good things fall apart so that better things can fall into place: it’s true.
I’m working for an organization that’s 18 years in the running to unify, appreciate, promote and expose visual art created by youth in various media. My positions entails restoring/ archiving images of said works for the organization’s website due to launch at the end of this summer. Along with a team of 4 other faculty colleagues, we will reiterate the front-end of the website for this launch as well. I’m so pleased to be exposed to visual art and to be able to help young artists digitally enhance their work; afterall, I remember what it was like to be a visual artist in high school and wish that there were more awards and recognition for me. It turns out there are hundreds. Being personally invested in this project, I was thrilled to find out today that I’m working with a great team of people and my employer is by far, more than just competent at heading this project. I’m really looking forward to redesigning this website to redesign the way that professionals, corporate, and the general public view art. The proficiency and skill blows me away and is very intriguing. Not only will more awards, sponsorships, competitions, and grants be made possible, but young talent and skill will be able to connect and be exposed to other young talent and skill. Freaking great: this is exactly what I wanted to with design and my production skills. I am part of a legacy, and I will be making a difference. I’m so excited.
On top of commencing my summer semester placement, I’ve decided that I will be applying for out-of-province co-op opportunities for the fall as well. Maybe I can go down to San Fransisco, or I’ll finally check out Toronto, or maybe I’ll get to go to Montreal- I really miss french and I’d be near a couple of my best friends who I miss so much.
The openness of possibilities is so delicious right now.
I know what I want, and I’m slowly getting it. I want everything. I’m doing this.
Not possible, not the most rewarding, without pain. I have this philosophy and trust in my physical regime, in my emotional and mental growth, and in my academic and professional life. What does it mean? Not that life is just painful and that it is inevitable to hurt, or that growth can’t happen without some sort of harm. No pain, no gain, just solidifies that the struggle is good- that it will be OK. The push and pull and discomfort shape a person to be better, stronger, and hopefully wiser. Is it weird I strive for that pain on a daily schedule? I’ve always been actively changing parts of myself since I was 14 to be the person who I wanted to be and to enjoy the person that I am. I wouldn’t change a thing.
I think that’s why I’m happier by the day, week, month, and years that pass by. I’ve been so satisfied in self-love and being content that it’s been sufficient. I’ve been trying, and will keep trying, all my life since I had my own consciousness to be self-sufficient. I have to do it.
At this point, the past 2 weeks has shown me how strong I really am- and how capable I am to break, to love, and to move. There’s no satisfaction like this.
At this point, I look at the people who I’ve surrounded myself with and been blessed to find, and that alone makes me happy. Genuinely, warm and comfortable, happy.
I’ve always said that everything happens for a reason, and that good things fall apart so better things can fall into place. I know that some people view that as being optimistic or trying to rationalize things. It is, to a point. For the most part though, at least in my life, it’s been proven that I’ve always found that things work out for the better. The pain of disappointment is rewarded by other opportunities and the disappointment of not getting what I want is countered by achievements as a pleasant surprise elsewhere. I am in control of myself and accountable for that alone; I’ve truly realized there is no reason to stay sad or upset. Life is far too beautiful. Side note: laughter is truly the best medicine.
Sitting here listening to my rumbling washing machine and watching New Westminster clouds try to hide the sun made me lose my train of thought a bit.
The point is, I’m expressing how happy I am. I am going in the direction I want and have dreamed of, and I’m living in the moments I will cherish forever. And that is enough. I am enough.
I feel one year away from you, my best friend. I kept my heart open for you but you break it all-knowingly… even as a friend.
So this is it. I laugh and cry with the bitterness. I cut the last ropes today, the day before our famous anniversary number, even in the same month.
It’s suiting to have the end start at the beginning, isn’t it?