Years old no more, in an hour and a half. What a year. Not only am I happy and healthy, but truly grateful. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
The evolution will continue. In this past year I think the most memorable things I’ve learned are forgiveness, truth and honesty, and self-sufficiency. This is the first and only time I’ll say this, but I had my heart broken, and I forgave the person who chose to broke it while forgiving myself to trying my best, nevertheless. I learned a lot about how far honesty will go. Mom and Dad always talk about how trust is easily gained, but immensely hard to earn back. Case and point; if I won’t trust someone again, there’s no way I would be trusted for any lie I choose to create. And at the end of forgiveness, truth, and honesty, I hit the sufficiency I always sought out. My self-love really taught me a lot these past months and I’m so relieved. It’s incredible to look at your life and realize how different things could be when you wouldn’t change a thing.
I have no regrets and am thrilled to embrace another year. This high may be disturbed soon, by something not to nice, but I can deal with that when it comes. This is my life. It’ll be weird not being 20- not that I feel 20 anyways. But 21, I guess, does have a nice ring to it. I’m looking forward to Vegas this year soon. I grew up vacationing there as a kid, but now I get to enjoy everything about it. Exciting. Hm.
Also, ironically, I was character building all day today at work being in an exceptionally irate mood. It’s most likely a combination of the grey skies post-sunny weekend and hormones, but I was super emotional and very detached from people all day. Suiting. Once an introvert, always an introvert. (On that note, I really, really, really need to recharge and go to the gym.)
As more time goes by, the more and more I’m convinced that you meet certain people, at certain times, for a reason. But at the exact same time, you need to cut the strings that lead to weights that drag you down.
3 days ago, it was Josh Jensen’s 4th year of absence from our lives. I still talk about him, and how he died, and how I saw him again. I read and tear every morning when I read the paper the touching stories that demonstrate the beautiful and ugliest capacities of human beings. The lives that are ruthlessly snuffed trigger my bitterness and anger; the lives that are lit and enhance pull at my heart. Rest in paradise, Joshy. I still think about you and wonder what you would look like with us, at this age. I lost my youth a long time ago, but that’s nothing to be sad about.
2 decades later, I start the 1st year of my 3rd. I am open, I am clear, I am happy, and I am free.
Desire and self control are 2 incredible things: the lack thereof results in mediocrity and the presence results in excellence, advancement, opportunity, reward, and success.
It’s been a while since I’ve written online. For good reason, I suppose there is less angst than usual; however, this could also be because of my enhanced emotional and social support I’ve gained with several amazing people in my life that I’ve been spending a lot of time with lately.
I’m still happy. I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life so far, and it’s refreshing, new, and increasingly exhilarating. Even though Vancouver’s climate has been temperamental and well, fucking depressing (rain and cold in the middle of July), at the end of the day, I am grateful, fulfilled and inspired.
On Friday afternoon I received incredibly exciting news about professional opportunity that in its instance changed my life and sets it up for a whole other world of opportunities in itself. I will now remember my first major professional advancement at the age of 20 in my life. My excitement was palpable; my pride was rewarding.
For anyone reading this who isn’t as happy as they should be, do something about it. Ok? Don’t settle, and please don’t wait. When they say anything is possible, it is truth. If you aren’t accomplishing something, the steps you are taking aren’t appropriate to your context. It’s really that simple. My successes, whether they be personal, academic, professional, have been dependent on myself and through that- and it did take time- dependent on honesty, dreaming, and working both hard and smartly. The happiness I feel is so meaningful I want the people I care about to experience it now, if not at one point in their lives. I want people I don’t know to experience it. Relative to the rest of the world, the west hemisphere’s opportunities and capabilities are vast- please, please, please do not take it for granted. Utilize it to achieve the happiness you dream of, whatever forms or shapes it may take.
In different realms, I’m healthy and laughing every day lots. When your eyes are wide enough to truly see the remarkable people in your life, it’s more than enough. And truly seeing the people in your life also means knowing who should surround you and who shouldn’t.
Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan the flames.
The basics, the little things, and the simplicity influence happiness as a mindset instead of a fleeting mood. Keeping in mind as a mentality that there is a time and place for everything has been a really productive awareness for me as well. It’s what gets me through the working and what allows me to fully enjoy playing hard, which translates into fun, which balances out the work. Trivial? I’m sure you know at least 1 person who lacks this identification, nevertheless acts on it if they do.
My own accountability has been wholly responsible for my experiences and I’d just like to take this moment to express my pride, relief, and satisfaction that I made the decisions I did. I’m in love with my life, I hope that everyone can be too. With life in this day and age, I don’t even think there should be a choice. We know life is short and we know a lot of other things. Actions result in reaction.
There’s a saying that says doing what you want is freedom; and doing what you love is happiness.
Today was one of those days where the gratitude was overwhelming. It felt like the warmest, calmest haze and I didn’t feel any need to get out of it. I experienced a jarring moment when I was lying on the grass beside the marina. I was anxious. I was anxious and panicking because I was so happy. The way you feel as a child to be so incredibly complete and happy you got the pony toy you wanted that the inkling of a thought of ever losing it, or not having it, made your very core tremble in fear. That being said, the gratitude multiplied because of the value of the moment.
I’ve had a few talks with a few people lately centered around being happy, keeping happy, and finding happiness in general. In my eyes, and in my experience thus far, if you want to be happy, you will be. This may be trivial to some people reading this (pardon me, my dear friends), but a lot of people seem to think happiness is linked directly to specific events, materials, people or places. Happiness is really just a decision. The only catch is that it’s considerably easier to feel miserable, angry and mediocre than it is to feel happy. And true happiness- not the mood kind that can change. I mean being content and trusting yourself and trusting your life that what’s supposed to happen will and that what you want is possible after appropriate action. Why do people struggle with this? As a young person, I’m devastated to witness lives that are filled with mediocrity; your life is mediocre because you let it be. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve made my sacrifices, I’ve taken the trade-offs- they were brutal, painful and fucking depressing; life is not without compromise. But I’m talking about the awareness minute-to-minute, day-to-day, week-to-week. Guess what? Those weeks turns into months, to years, and then in the end, to a wonderful life.
Every day and week to date so far (summer being a HUGE help) I’ve been the happiest I’ve ever been so far in my entire life. Stressful things have happened, I’ve gotten into really annoyed moods, I’ve done things I don’t really want to do, and I’ve ventured into some negative Nancy thoughts, but at the end of the day what I choose to truly enjoy and value is the trust with myself and the moments that really truly matter. To date, my academic progression is on hold and it’s a fantastic break (minus the 1 class right now) since in lieu I’m participating in industry work and progressing professionally. As in individual I’m exactly who I am right now and I’m continuing to find people to love and learn from while getting even closer to those that I am right now. Another huge change I’ve applied is the balance I’ve finally acquired. There is a time and place for everything. I’m working hard and playing harder, and that’s frankly, a lot of fun. I have time to laugh, to sleep, to eat, to learn, to exercise, to talk. I want it all, and I’m getting it all.
There is value in everything. The meaning is astounding and I feel so good.