The best word to describe the majority of my states/ moods when people ask me how I am and the word I often pause after.
First off, holy it’s been a long time since I’ve published. Again. Second off, happy 2012 and welcome, new Followers. I appreciate your appreciation. Or curiosity, or intrigue. Or whatever it is I can be for you. Thank you.
So it’s the first week of a new year. Excellent that the evolution is not constrained to time; I love my life, have I mentioned that? Day to day, minute to minute, my perfectionist tendencies and idealisms seek meaning, clarify, definition, and results, but I am as a whole grateful and adoring of my life and its aspects. Yes, each and every single one of them. Even the ones that make me uncomfortable, even the ones that make me sad.
I’ve been in the best shape of my life lately: not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. Half the time I’ve recently been questioning whether or not I’m insane, but in reality, in the moments of clarity, I’m learning to master myself alongside being myself and becoming other things I want to be.
Physical activity lately has been both an outlet and inspiration for my sense of satisfaction and for my health and well-being. I discovered a couple months ago now that I am my favourite competitor; it suddenly is clear to me why I was never engaged in team sports- it’s not that I can’t, it’s that I’d rather not. I’ve been pushing myself lately in ways that I had previously only thought of; everyone should test themselves as much as possible- it is incredibly rewarding and empowering to surprise yourself. Afterall, excuse the cheese, you’re the only person you should be trying to impress, no?
I was never one of those girls in high school who could run a mile in 12 minutes or less, nevertheless did my body understand endurance or long distance. I’ve been running, jogging, a lot lately. On top of weights for conditioning and strength I’ve been regularly attending flow yoga and core classes at YYoga studios in the downtown area. I must take this moment to express my absolute adoration, appreciation, and infatuation with yoga: it’s been something that changes my life for the best. And speaking of testing yourself, the coordination, mental and physical challenge of yoga are so stimulating that I find myself addicted. My diet has also shifted even more towards a healthy-lifestyle. Not only do I not crave pop, I’m finally at a place where I don’t crave artificial sugars like candy. THIS IS SIGNIFICANT; I don’t have a sweet tooth, I have sweet teeth. But I’m in a place where now that I know better, I want to stay at better, if not strive for even better. SImply cutting out useless artificial sugars and excess sodium etc. out has helped my body obtain more energy, feel lighter, and be more coordinated. Mentally I’ve been able to perform more efficiently than I have in the past. Wonderful.
I’m halfway through my internship contract (oh my gad, 5 months out of 8, already?) and I can feel it in my bones that I’m ready for the next. Next what? Next everything.
I reached a milestone in Sept. and I’ve been piecing together my next. It involves goals centered around my professional life, my fitness levels, my mental/ emotional health, my academic career, and my art and design lives. I can barely wait.
Unfortunately it’s something that’s been causing me conflict though. How do I know I’m not too focused on the next things ergo potentially taking my present things for granted? I’m certain I’m not, because I’m aware of what I’ve been thinking, of what I’m feeling, of what I’m doing, but there are times when the question is particularly sharp.
I’ve still been experiencing a restlessness lately. This time it’s not tied to medical reasons nor is it an unhealthy restlessness, but I’ve been speaking to a few close to me about how I have not created any art/ work/ pieces… for myself. As a result, there is a hole in the soul and in a part of my mind that thoughts and feelings dip into. I’m looking forward to filling it.
My new year’s revolutions are simple:
- Continue to take care (mentally, emotionally, physically)
- Be less critical, hard, and impatient with myself. This is my newest challenge.
- Learn something new every day.
- Keep sweating at least once a day.
- Stay committed to yoga. I’ve been mastering postures and gaining strength in a happy progression, and I have much more to learn and gain.
- Be happy. Think a little less when it comes to what I want and need, me, myself, and I.
Nothing like possibility.
A confession: the weather has been destroying me lately. However, I am still moreso more upset about being upset. It’s fascinating to the rational and observational part of me that something so much bigger than myself and so far (climate, weather, its elements such as rain, cloud, sky) could make me feel like I can or can not breathe easier or more difficultly. Related to my new year’s revolutions, I am trying my hardest to be patient with myself. To wait for it to pass. To ride it out.
I can’t help but be frustrated to feel negative and find myself in negative thinking patterns when the sky is dark though. I haven’t even been focusing on it too much; it’s the realizations at 3 PM in the afternoons that really kick my ego in the face. ‘If nothing’s wrong, things are going well, and I’m comfortable, why I am irritable, sapped of energy, and low? OH.’
But it’s OK. I’m getting better. I’m learning. I’m evolving. I can change this the same way I’ve changed everything else.
Another prominent aspect of my life that’s come into awareness for me lately is my ability to be alone. I spent half of my holidays by myself because my family was away and because when my friends weren’t near, they were with theirs, rightfully so. I thought this summer that I really mastered the solitude and independence. I was wrong; I’ve been continuously mastering it this winter.
It’s both empowering and alienating. Empowering because I marvel every moment I stop and observe and cherish; alienating because there are a lot of people who do not understand it, or me.
There are certain things that cannot be said, shown, or taught. You either choose to truly experience them or you don’t.
I’ve experienced a lot of reaffirmations this season along with some lessons and truths that I didn’t want to. One of the most prominent ones seems to be self-centric but was in truth just a bit naive, or overly optimistic: the good and best you see in people does is not guaranteed to you simply because you see it. The power of the individual is choice, and many choose not to share goodness or to do their best. Many people choose not to care, many people choose not to try. Am I bitter? Only when I’m really disappointed. To each their own, right? I’ll continue being accountable.
Look at this mélange of a post. Evidently there is more than one reason for me to write more frequently. I’d excuse myself for the long blurb, but this is blog. I do what I want. You know.