Like the field of study and the exclamation right after someone has elicited a reaction out of you over a joke.
I want to laugh, after all it is ridiculous, absurd, and nothing super serious. But it feels like it. It feels super serious, I mean. I’ve been coming to terms in the last few days about the wrestling/ inner conflict/ resistance I am presently experiencing about my last semester of undergrad. Unlike many of my friends and colleagues, I am not feeling antsy that I am “joining the real world” or that I have to get going on getting a “big girl job” or “adult responsibilities” or “no more structure”. I don’t know how or why being an undergraduate student excludes you from that from the age of 18 already. Anyways, my personal struggle is with the completion of the degree itself. Having worked full-time in industry and thus having been away from academia has resulted in my return a year ago, kicking, screaming, crying, and what feels like dying. I’d plateau’d in the skills and knowledge I was learning through the institution and had become increasingly detached from the social circles and community from the institution. (This excludes my many dear friends and respected peers who I actually talk to and see quite often and have relationships with.) Very recently I also woke up to what I actually want and what I value, and my academic major is not quite spot on. However, there are absolutely no regrets.
I think this is withdrawal; I was used to doing freelance for so long to ensure I was also getting income during academia that my last semester is going to be my first semester where I am “just a student”. For the sake of my health, happiness, and overall sanity, my intuition and close friends are urging me not to take on too much because it will compound before I know it. And I know it.
The truth is my ego about my capacity to work on multiple projects simultaneously and always being go-go-go, is fighting me hard. My ego is used to biting tooth and nail, wrestling, fighting, dragging through to completion of multiple projects at a time; using all energy to make sure my creative outlet is satisfied after hours of work; caring about academia regardless of my fundamental views and getting A grades; and is not satisfied unless I’m burning out every couple weeks. How unhealthy and unproductive is that? Ugh, so skewed.
So this is a huge change. I just got off the phone with my best friend, Charlotte, and I had filled her in about all of this- and confessed how scared I was. She laughed and reminded me, “Well, the scariest things are usually the ones that you really have to do!”
I’m not sure how open I will keep my schedule since I coincidentally finished almost all my contracts in the past month, but I am absolutely intending to allow myself to focus on simply my fulfillment through art, creation, personal passion projects, yoga, and power lifting. In the name of my mind, body, soul. Nurturing, nurturing, nurturing, this fall, here, now. Oh, and my last semester of academia. I’m going to try to let myself cruise through it; it’s certainly clear how many hours I have to put towards homework per week and that’s good enough. 'Good enough' is daunting. But who knows? I have a feeling that what I’ve been chasing is actually chasing me. I can feel something in my bones. I know it’s going to be great, and that there’s nothing left to figure out.